My favourite thing about the ‘dashboard’ on WordPress is probably the ability to track where hits come from, and in particular which search terms have led people to my blog. It may be that something funny is in the air during October, but I hope not, as it has provided me with equal measures of entertainment and mild terror over the last few weeks.

It is almost inevitable that, as I write about sex, and this is the internet, a fair number of hits will come from the misguided clicks of those whose attention may not be wholly concentrated on the onscreen text (or are using their mouse with their ‘other hand’). Thus, I probably shouldn’t be too surprised at seeing the following crop up:

– ‘free online sex video’
– ‘university sex video free’
– ‘online video sex free’

However, I’m not entirely sure what the users looking for ‘macro photography sexual’ or ‘sex macro photo’ wanted. Extreme close-ups of willies? That sounds awful. There was a channel 4 programme on years ago where they put a tiny camera inside a vagina (well, I think that’s what they did, but it seems somewhat dubious now that I’m writing it), then showed the sexy footage. It was a bit like watching ‘Tremors’.

Continuing this theme, I felt a strange twinge of sadness for the person looking to my blog for inspiration in his quest for ‘bathtub new positions for intercourse’. As pointed out on twitter, this is a rather fruity search for somebody still calling it ‘intercourse’, although it may have been the same person who came to my site via the words ‘sex tub’. No such sympathy exists, however, for the person demanding that the internet offer up ‘download video cannibal sex’. I hope that the praying mantis videos were enough.

While special mentions must go to the blunt phraseology of ‘fruit flies humping’ and the somewhat bizarre ‘human face in insects’, there can only truly be one winner.

Take a bow, ‘paint and crickets and cock or dick or penis‘.